It’s time to Grieve what is lost and reconnect with what matters most..but HOW?
As I sit here contemplating and allowing myself to feel the events of the past few weeks and what I see COVID-19 has brought to the world and each of us individually, I am struck by the amount of grief that I am wading through within me. Wow. As a therapist, “grief work” and identifying “unresolved grief issues” so they can be processed and ultimately healed is not new to me. But what is new is the intensity of the situation we are all facing together. And, I have to mention that that word “unresolved” has always perplexed me. How does grief get “solved” and what would that look like anyway? Is there a good reason to not look at grief as something to solve, but rather as a doorway to something that has yet to be discovered? A new frontier? A Healing experience? Can I dare even say amidst our suffering that this is an adventure? Not the kind of adventure that we have at Disney, (Disney is closed), but something else. The dawn of a NEW ERA.
So how do we navigate all of this when we are just trying to survive a global pandemic?
I may sound somewhat delusional (therapist lingo that means not grounded in reality), and I will admit that sometimes I tend to think “outside of the box.” In fact I absolutely hate feeling trapped. My survival instincts are strong, as are most of ours, and I go through Fight, Flight, and Freeze responses when I am scared along with everyone else. And, I have found that the path to inner peace (less stress) is not through the “thinking brain.” What we have found through neuroscience research is that the path to inner peace and healing is via the HEART. Yes, the actual Heart space that holds the wisdom of our being.. Our essence, our true self, HOME. I know I am getting deep now, but hang in there with me and I will try to explain what I mean.
First, an explanation of the Survival Responses that I am referring to as “fight, flight, or freeze.”
When we are threatened, our nervous system goes on alert and the brain participates in a very complex communication within the brain to sort of “rev up” the system and get ready to deal with what is perceived (and may very well be) danger. Fight is an outward action (it can also be turned against ourselves) , Flight is an action that involves getting away from the threat (running like heck), and Freeze is shutdown and stillness within the nervous system. This can look like isolation, collapse, and depression.
If we relate these actions to what is happening now with all of us as a global community, we are going through these actions collectively. For example, one way that many of us went into “fight mode” was going out in the beginning of all of this and buying as many 30 roll packs of toilet paper that we could find. Then we went into “flight mode” in various ways, but one way that I see it is that many of us began watching the news obsessively which in some ways continued the activation in our nervous systems and also helped us to “go away” and not feel what our systems were experiencing in the moment. It’s very difficult to sit with activation in our nervous systems when we are threatened. The threat and danger of what was and continues to be happening is really too much for our individual systems to handle.
These “fight or flight” actions are normal and natural and there is no shame or judgement placed on what we all do, and it is good that we are able to do it! The sympathetic nervous system is utilized to rev up and get moving, kind of like the gas pedal on a car. And, Let’s just notice together what our tendency is in the face of perceived threat and crisis, i.e. Global Pandemic of “Unprecedented” proportion. I am wondering if we can learn something from all of this?
And that brings me to the FREEZE response. When you can’t successfully resolve (there’s that word again, “resolve”) the danger or threat because Fight or Flight is not working, then we most likely go into the freeze response. As I mentioned above, the freeze response is the shutdown state in our nervous system. It is sort of like the brake pedal on a car. Also, think of what animals do in the wild when fight or flight doesn’t work. They become very still and “feign death” in hopes that the predator will lose interest or continue on their way.
Okay, and now we are told to “stay in place.”
Don’t go anywhere except to get food or medical attention, and wear a mask when you do so. Wow, again! That is alot for our systems to handle and I think many of us are doing an amazing job at dealing with this crisis. We must be in survival mode to get through this. My concern is that people may find themselves stuck in FREEZE mode and not know how to get out of it. That can begin to wear anyone down and some may end up with overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. How do we grieve, survive and cope, and continue to stay grounded and function in these drastically altered ways we are living?
Let’s THINK together on how we can find a way out of this and at the same time comply with the “stay in place” order from those that are truly helping us get through this together.
In my personal and professional experience, healing and transformation, including reducing stress, must involve reconnection with our Heart. It is the pathway out of this, and you don’t need to leave your home. I will briefly explain “why” in my experience and understanding reconnecting with our Heart is the pathway out of suffering, but first I want you to do something with me. This is a little experiment. Just notice what happens in your mind and spirit as you practice what I am about to suggest. And if you want, make some notes in your journal to share with your therapist or someone you trust.
Below are the very simple and effective directions that will support your capacity to relieve and gradually transform (“resolve”) the stress you may be experiencing due to the current situation, and any upsetting situation that you might be experiencing.
Warning: This does require consistent practice over time, be patient with yourself and allow yourself time and space to be with yourself at first. Getting to know yourself this way is new territory for many of us and you will feel and remember some things that may have been suppressed. Many of us are also grieving the loss of the lives we had before the pandemic, and the pain of grief can adversely affect our nervous systems. Grief and stress are linked and often contribute to unnecessary suffering and disease. Seek professional help if needed.
2 Step Method for reducing Stress
1st Step: Heart Focused Breathing
Bring attention and awareness to your Heart, to the Center of your Chest. (I have found that when beginning it helps to place your hand on your heart to make contact with your body).
Now imagine that your Breath is flowing in and out through your Heart or chest area. Breathing a little slower and deeper than usual. Just find an easy rhythm that is comfortable.
(Putting in your attention around the heart area helps you center and ground in the moment).
2nd Step: Experience a Regenerative Feeling
As you continue Heart Focused Breathing make a sincere attempt to experience a regenerative feeling such as appreciation or care for someone or something in your life. Perhaps you can re-experience a time when you felt love or appreciation for a person, a pet, a time in nature, and accomplishment or just breathe the attitude of love or gratitude.
And that’s it! Relatively simple, Huh?
I suggest you practice this several times during your day. You can use this tool with eyes open anytime and anywhere! Doing this will strengthen the attributes of the Heart, such as love, appreciation, care, compassion. This happens by breathing in these qualities and imprinting them into your intentions for less Stress and more Joy no matter what the outside circumstances may be around us.
This is our HOME state of being.
We can live a more grateful, appreciative life without waiting on externals to inspire that appreciation, but live more in that Heart-Based quality of gratitude, and appreciation more of the time which improves our Health by decreasing our stress.
I support you in your practice. We are in this together!
Leslie Kay Maitri, LPC, LCAS, C.H.T,
